Waves of Grief
There are stages in life that everyone goes through. I am not talking about the stages during childhood, I am talking about the stages after you graduate high school and are a young adult. As a young adult, you have so much passion to find yourself, to date different people, try a bunch of different college majors before one sticks, stay up crazy late, and try new things. Throughout that stage of life you experiment and find yourself. Then you enter into the more stable stage where you start to think about marriage, and kids, and your career. For me, I got married when I was 21, and had my oldest daughter CC when I was 23, and my youngest daughter MJ when I was 25. I graduated with my degree and started teaching kindergarten. I was so excited to be a mom, and I had so many questions and I was so nervous. It wasn’t until I had CC that I knew who I was, I was her mom, I was strong, and knew she was meant to be mine. All throughout my life my mom was there, she was my constant, and my cheerleader. When I had CC she helped me with everything, I even called her in the middle of the night when I was freaking out about post partum hormones, and I could not stop crying or control my fear about being a mom. I never knew how much I needed my mom until I had my own children. I also didn’t know how hard motherhood is, but with my mom helping me and supporting me, she made it easier. Growing up she conquered motherhood as a single mom with grace and fearlessness. I hope one day I can be as fearless and as an amazing Mom like her. When I was pregnant with MJ, my mom was in and out of the hospital, and placed in hospice, a few weeks before I could deliver. Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I have ever done. I remember placing MJ on her chest so she could be with her grandma one more time. I knew that there would be a day where my mom would pass away, but I never imagined that my girls would grow up without really knowing my mom. My mom passed away 17 days after I had MJ. So how do you go on with the next stages in life, when the woman who brought you into this world, and gave you life leaves it?
I’m not going to sugarcoat it, grief is hard and it never really leaves you. Grief is different for everyone. At first I was angry, really angry that she was gone, and I felt robbed that my girls didn’t get that relationship with their grandma. Each stage of grief lasts different lengths for different people. I can’t really say when I stopped being angry, and moved to the next stage. I can tell you that grief comes in waves, and comes in both happy moments and sad moments. It comes in the car, when I picked up the phone and dialed her number after work, because she loved to listen about how my day went teaching. It’s that feeling when your chest gets tight, and you try really hard not to cry and tell yourself to be strong. It comes when you watch a TV show, and the characters remind you of your mom. It comes in the happy moments when your daughter turns 3, or your baby claps her hands and says momma for the first time. Sometimes you can take a deep breath and reflect on that moment, and be grateful for the time you had. Other times you have to have someone watch your class so you can cry, and hold your head in your hands, and really let yourself feel in that moment. There are even times when in the shower and you just sob uncontrollably and hold your heart because it feels like it’s breaking.
I can tell you that it doesn’t get better each day, you just learn to live a little different each day. You become grateful for the time and the memories you had. You have to cry, be mad, scream, laugh...or just be still. Whatever it may be, you cannot hold it in. You have to talk about them, the good and the bad. Share stories about them, and open up about them. Surround yourself with people who bring joy into your life, life isn’t made to live alone. If you have children, share with them about your favorite memories. Hug your children, and tell them how you are feeling. Be honest with your kids, they lost someone as well. Sharing about them and talking about them is how we honor them. We honor them by living our life the best we can. Live in Love, Heather